More Than Music

designed by your's truly.

Everyone has a story, right? Right. Well, this is my abridged version. Why am I blogging this, especially when I haven't made a blog post of any substantial nature in well over a couple years? I don't know exactly. Maybe it's because I type faster than I can write. I've had a lot on my mind lately and I guess putting it into words is something that helps me put things in perspective. And having others read it? I like feedback, I like having people in my life, I like sharing things I find interesting.

There have been a lot of life-changing things that have taken place for me (and my family) in the last few years. In one way or another it seems that music has had a major role...let me do a tad bit of back-tracking before I really get into it though.

I've always had a unique passion for music. Always. As a young child, I remember memorizing the words to every Billy Joel song I could find in my parent's music collection. That's when I first remember the spark beginning. Music has always been something that I've found deep meaning in. Finding ways to relate songs to my own life is something that I love about music. The connection a person can have with a certain song or musical Artist is amazing. Who hasn't had an experience where they heard a song out-of-the-blue that totally takes them back to a certain moment in their life? Or that helps them remember something they'd forgotten? A feeling maybe. A passion lost, but maybe rekindled because of the reminder. The list goes on.

When I was in 7th grade I found punk rock. It blew my mind. It was aggressive. It was rebellious. It was raw. It was everything I was feeling in my youth. I related to it in so many ways. I think it worried my parents, but I never let the negative aspects of it overtake my life...mostly. I think they got used to all the strange colors of hair and mohawks after a while ;-) I was soooo passionate about it. I remember a 2-3 year span where I shunned corporate music altogether. Other youth would be talking about the newest popular music and hadn't a clue who or what they were talking about. Ha. I thought I was so cool. I'd found an underground scene. A subculture of music made for music's sake and not for money or fame. I clung to it. And I shunned bands that "sold out," and became commercially successful. Yeah, I was an elitist for a while. Funny to think about it now. But it was that idea and energy and excitement of something special and different from the norm that is what truly inspired me. Outside of my family and my personal beliefs, music was the next biggest driving force in my life. It dictated much of what I chose to wear, the type of people I chose to be friends with, etc. And I couldn't have been happier.

When I began my first semester at Utah State University I began to drift away from much of the punk rock that I'd been so fully submersed in. I still liked it, but I'd begun to find new underground music and kept on with the pioneering spirit of punk rock in all the new territory I was treading in musically. By this time, I'd gone to more concerts than most people go to in a lifetime, I'd worked for the infamous SLUG Magazine and almost every t-shirt I owned was a band t-shirt of some kind or another. It was safe to say music had been a driving force in my life.

After my third semester at USU, I had an opportunity to work for a summer at Leave Home Booking, an agency which books many of the punk rock bands I grew up idolizing. Bands that molded my personality and that I had devoted much of my youth to. It was amazing. I met and hung out with many of my punk rock heroes. It was surreal on many levels. At the end of the summer I was offered a full-time position as an agent for Leave Home after I graduated the next year. I was stunned and honored. A lot was happening, and fast. Right before starting and LHB that summer I'd met and began dating Hallie. It was a summer of love. It was perfect. The next fall we were married and with one more year of my bachelor's degree in journalism, we moved forward toward my finishing school and accepting the job offer.

When I finished school, we moved to Salt Lake City and I began what I thought was my dream job. I loved it. I had a real job. We bought a home. We had our amazingly beautiful and charismatic daughter Cambria. So much happened. And I really felt like it was all because I had followed a passion, a dream; my music. Life was good, but I began to feel an emptiness growing. I felt like maybe even though my life as an agent wasn't bad, that maybe I was better-suited for something else. I felt like there was something more out there besides routing and booking tours and arguing about contracts. I saw the examples of my good friends Jesse Crowley and Brad Knickerbocker and their jobs in the field of graphic design. I was jealous. I loved what they were able to do; what they were able to create. They did so many things that I could only do in my head. I had no idea how to create the things they did. I lacked the knowledge and training. After many prayers and stressful nights of indecision, my young family and I made the decision to move back to Logan for round two of college. Graphic Design.

Throwing away all our comforts and the life we had only just begun, we moved up to Logan (again). We were a family with a mortgage, rent, tuition, etc, etc. It was hard, but we both knew it was right. With my wonderful wife's support and my music I made it through my first semester. It was reconfirmed to me over and over that everything in my life had happened for a reason; that everything I'd done, everyone I'd met, all that music-everything-had led me right to where I was. I really feel I wouldn't have made it there any other way. Was it the long way? Yes, most surely. But was it right? Most definitely.

When my first semester ended an opportunity presented itself for me to participate in a study abroad program in Switzerland. I was sold on a professor's claim that it would change my life. I believed him. I went home and talked to Hallie. Just thinking about missing this new opportunity moved me to tears and scared me. We decided that I would go (yes, I am well-aware of how amazing Hallie is). For all that we'd sacrificed for me to go back to school, we figured we would go all-out. There was no point in all we gave up and all we had gotten ourselves into if we didn't give it our all. A new favorite band of mine, The Gaslight Anthem, had a song that had quickly become my theme song. In it, the words, "No retreat, no regrets," repeated over and over again at the end. Those words were my mantra for everything while I was in school and they surely applied when it came to the opportunity to go on the study abroad.

Upon finishing my second semester, I left Hallie–who was now 6-months pregnant–and Cambria for Switzerland. It was hard. It was harder than hard. But like before, we knew it was important. That month changed me just as much as two years on a mission. It's hard to explain exactly how. I learned so much. I met so many people. I cemented myself in the desire to succeed in my future profession of design. It has become an important milestone in my life. I remember sitting down in my seat on the airplane in SLC after hugging and kissing Hallie and putting my earphones in. I listened to The Gaslight Anthem's song, "Meet Me by the River's Edge," the "No retreat, no regrets," song. But I listened closer than I ever had before. The song took new meaning to me. The words, "I've been here for 28 years," tickled my ears and gave me goosebumps. I related to it. It was personal. I happened to be 28 right then. But it was more that just that line. The song's overall message is about nostalgic things and also about starting over-about beginning a new life. I had started, and was still starting, my new life. It hit home. It was an inspiring and special moment.

One day near the end of our time in Switzerland, we went high, high into the mountains. We rode trams and hiked and reached a peak. It was unreal. It is the most beautiful place I have ever been in mortality. We talked up there. We were encouraged and given time to think about our lives, our schooling and our future/potential careers. I wanted to take full advantage of the moment. I knew I'd probably never stand on that mountaintop again, that this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I thought about life: where I'd been, how I'd gotten there, where I was and where I wanted to be. I made promises to myself, for myself and for my family. I was the last one on that mountaintop. I was alone. It was a very intense peace I felt. I had been listening to a playlist on my iPod as I experienced this. As I turned to begin my trek down the mountain and catch up with my friends Mandy, Mitch and Sheena (who were waiting for me a ways down), a song came on. It was Gaslight Anthem's, "Meet Me by the River's Edge." What were the chances? Technically about 1 in 100-something given the playlist...but I digress...I was a bit overcome with emotion. It was a very special moment, topped off with the random chance that this song came on as I began to walk down the mountain to accomplish all I had thought about on the mountain. It was a cornerstone moment, made even stronger by a special song.

A year and a half later I graduated with my graphic design degree. Through that process whenever I had hard times–all-nighters, weeks averaging two hours of sleep a night and countless projects–I would think about that moment high in the mountains in Switzerland when "my song," came on and what that meant to me and my graphic design goals. It gave me strength to keep going. Along with Hallie, Cambria, our new Izzy and my wonderful family, that song propelled me.

About a month after finishing school, I had job interview at Simply Mac. I drove down to Salt Lake for it. On my way down I listed to The Gaslight Anthem. Did I mention I like them? ;-) I just hit play and listened to all three of their full-length records and the one EP I have of theirs on shuffle. My interview went well. On my way out of town I met my mom and got some dinner and talked about the interview and what this job had to offer. After finishing dinner, I got in my car and deep in thought, began my drive home, continuing my listening of The Gaslight Anthem I had begun on the way down. I briefly flashed back to the mountain in Switzerland and that song and all those feelings. As I jumped on the freeway to head back to Logan, the last song on the playlist came on. Yep. It was "Meet Me by the River's Edge." Coincidence? I don't believe it for a second. Music has played a part in so many major ways in my life. The second the song came on I was overwhelmed with tears. I didn't even need to wonder if I'd gotten the job. I already knew. I had just received my answer. I think God knows who we are so personally that He knows what things will strike a match within us, what things will get through to us.

I've now been at my job at Simply Mac for close to six weeks and I love it. I know it's where I am supposed to be right now. And I know it's not by chance. Some people will laugh and make fun of me, but I believe that music has been a revelatory thing in my life and why shouldn't I believe that? Just look at my story.

here it is.

WATCH THE GASLIGHT ANTHEM PERFORM "MEET ME BY THE RIVER'S EDGE."